Are You Really Gonna Drink That?

2006-10-08T20:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss S.,

I know...long time, no write. Personality flaw of mine. Not that my waking ears haven't been filled with my favorite 10 of your oh so delicately phrased colorful metaphors. Thank the gods that its almost basketball season. Carolina football is officially so pathetic I've gone beyond anger and disgust into full blown, all encompassing apathy. Seriously, I haven't cared this little about college football since the early 90's when I went through my rebellous, anti-sports grunge/emo phase.

You running CNN yet? I here when you reach a certain level Ted takes you aside in his luxury box at Turner Field and tells you the secrets of the cable universe or maybe that's Scientology. I really can't keep it straight. Speaking of Scientology holy crap those people are all over the cities in Cali. I'm kinda pissed at myself for not taking their "stress test" when I was in Hollywood. They had temples set up right on Hollywood Boulevard and were grabbing people as the walked by. How much fun would that have been.

Speaking of the west coast...I'd love for someone to explain to me why Oregonians and Washingtonians can't seem to drive the speed limit on the Interstates. Seriously...it was the most twilight zone things I've ever seen. People pulling into the left lane to pass an going 63 in a 65. I dug Seattle a lot though. Kinda seedy yet really cool. I think the seediness actually added to its appeal for me. And by god the plethora of asian women...hot asian women at that, was a truly beautiful thing. I swear I'm turning into the stereotypical sketchy almost 30 year single old guy.

It seems like ever time I turn around I someone is getting married or having kids. The having kids thing freaks me out a little more than the marriage thing. All these people I remember growing up with are parents. Almost all my cousins have at least one kid. Hell my half-brother's oldest is almost 10. It's all just kinda freakin me out.

I'll be in China from the 12th to the 18th. My first business trip. I could get real used to business trips like this. Going to help test the logistics of broadcasting the Special Olympics next year. The school wants to send a class next Fall. I'll bring you back something and I promise I won't just go by Wal-Mart when I get back.

Boat Drinks,
d

2006-06-26T02:09:00.000-07:00

Working Overnights with Quentin (I wasn't inspired to blog until now...)

5:05 a.m. - Quentin asks me, "Are you done eating that flat bread?" My response is nothing because 1. I was eating an orange and 2. It was a madarin orange that does have a flatter appearance, but once again, it's an orange and not flat bread

5:07 a.m. - Quentin sees that Ben has a fresh bagel then tells me that "brief nudity" comes after the eating of the fresh bagel.

5:09 a.m. - Quentin says, "Amanda, your my man of the match." I don't really know what match he's talking about, but sure, I'll be the man of that match.

5:12 a.m. - Quentin makes a reference to the "Spidey sting." I honestly don't know what the fuck this is. He likes to do the Spider Man hand motion will fling paper balls at me. It doesn't really sting...

5:13 a.m. - Quentin says that he'll give me the "gold boot." I'm assuming this is like a kick in the ass. He's a new soccer fan and tries to throw in these references whenever not appropriate.

2006-05-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Dylan,
2:54 a.m. – Tuesday night/Wednesday morning…time has no meaning. This isn’t supposed to be some profound message sent out into the bloggosphere, but it really is true. Too many times have I thought that there’s not enough time to do this or that, or maybe that because it’s 11 p.m., I should probably go to bed.
It’s 2:56 a.m. and I’m at work. I know, just when you thought I couldn’t blog about anything except Tar Heel basketball, a wave of sleep delirious inspiration hit me. I almost had a mental breakdown when I found out I was going onto the overnight shift (I work in the news – it’s 24/7, we have to etc. etc.). I kept thinking about all the things I would miss out on: breakfast at a normal time, going out on Saturday nights, sleeping under the stars and all that other “normal” stuff.
Now I am realizing that I can make my overnight shift normal. Just think of the elementary school days when the cafeteria served breakfast for lunch just because they were too cheap to dish out some tater tots (no, I didn’t think Napoleon Dynamite was that funny and yes, I did just kind of admitted that I am aware of a N.D. reference) and rectangular pizza. On overnights I get breakfast for dinner! Nothing gets your stomach prepped for a day of sleep like eggs and cereal...right. I can also run all those 9-5 errands that a lot of the working world doesn’t always get to do. I can pick-up dry cleaning and go to the post office to my heart’s content.
I suppose I just need to find a designated overnight posse to hang out with my when I get off at 7 a.m. I could go out for drinks after work, but it might make me look like an alcoholic…my usual rule is nothing before noon, but that will have to be adjusted for overnights. I think I should actually drink well before noon. What do you think Dylan?
Is it odd that at only 22 years old I realize that my life won’t be filled with some kind of white picket fence life? The kind where I wake-up, take my kids to school and then eat the dinner my husband cooks? Damn, maybe working in the news is actually a refreshing take on what life is supposed to be. Work to live; don’t live to work – my favorite Spanish saying. I’ll work during the night and during the day I will eat popsicles, nap in the sun and play plenty of soccer. There now, life isn’t so bad.
I’ll never be able to get rid of the looks of pity from other people when they find out that I spent my Christmas at work or that I was at work while they were toasting in the new year… but I’ll know that my happiness doesn’t rely on a calendar schedule or by the hands of a clock.

2006-03-05T06:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Dylan,
So maybe Tar Heel basketball is the only thing that can inspire me to blog, but in my world, that's not such a bad thing. Oh ps: we beat Duke last night in Durham.

I think it's pretty clear by now that I hate Duke. (I never spell it Dook because I think it makes us look a little stupid. How mucbrain powerer does it really take to figure out that Duke rhymes with puke?) Not only do I hate Duke, but I also kind of love Duke. BUT, I only love Duke because no other team can make me gather every ounce of hatred from the core of my being and forces be to a higher plane of existence. Any fan, no matter how hard-core, can't possibly understand this rivalry unless you've attended either university. To all those Duke fans who didn't go to Duke: you don't matter to me. You do not exist in my ACC bubble and your opinion really doesn't matter - sorry.

UNC wasn't my dream school in high school, but the day my dad forced me to go on a tour of it is a day that has since set off a lifetime of happiness, pure passion and unforgettable memories of the place I will always call home. I went on the tour kicking and screaming, but even my negativity couldn't overcome the feeling of perfection I found in this place. Everyone was not only smart, but also fun-loving and truly content with who they had become as Tar Heels. Add that to UNC having one of the best journalism schools in the country and my decision was made.
I'm sure every Duke student has their own lovey dovey spiel about their school, but its this kind of love that turns our basketball players into heroes and makes this rivalry the best in the world.

David Noel and Reyshawn Terry heading up a pack of bright-eyed bushy-tailed freshman into the war zone knew that they had to win. They knew that packs of Carolina alumni were gathered around TVs all over the country - drenched in light blue, knuckles clasped together into a tight whiteness and calling every other UNC fan they could think of to share those moments.

Yeah, I wanted JJ's senior night to be ruined (mwa ha ha). Yeah, I inappropriately yelled that Sheldon Williams has Down's syndrome about a million times (he does!) - but, seeing Tyler's smile after he hit those free throws and seeing the exact moment when he finally realized that he was a hero, was better than one of Coach K's tears (maybe). Thanks, guys, I really appreciate it. And thanks, Duke, you provide me with a vehicle to unleash my belligerent creativity... oh fuck it, DUKE SUCKS!

Here's to wearing my McCants jersey for a week straight, eating Barron's frozen pizza just because I think it's good luck, drinking cases of PBR, high-fiving until I can't feel my hand, dancing on Franklin Street, flashing dirty looks to anyone wearing Duke apparel and every other wonderful thing about being a Tar Heel basketball fan - a real one - an alumni. GO HEELS!!!

Oh yes, I must leave you with a most memorable quote from fellow journalism alum, Charles Kuralt:
"What is it that binds us to this place as to no other? It is not the well or the bell or the stone walls or the crisp October nights. Our loyalty is not to the memories of what William Richardson Davie did 200 years ago . . . No, our love for this place is based upon the fact that it is as it was meant to be The University of the People. Two hundred years to the day since the founding of the First State University, we can read again the words on its seal--"light and liberty"-- and say the The University of North Carolina has lived by those two short noble words and say that in all of the American story there is no other place like this."

2006-02-20T19:53:00.000-08:00

Miss Sealy,

Bloody hell. You say something critical of NASCAR and Emperor George and they know and crash your Netscape promptly erasing that very criticism. I mean I had a whole beautifully articulate ramble on people complaining incessantly about the people they date and how happiness was some abstract synthetic concept trick of the mind or something. I mean there poetry in it and a lot of big, long impressive sounding words. And now it's all gone because my internet browser sucks. Yet I remain undaunted. In fact, just in case the NSA is flying one of their unmanned drones overhead right now...forgive me...I'll be right back.

Ah, now I feel better though I'd feel even better if I knew my pimply white ass made some NSA analyst blush and promptly lose their appetite.

Anyway, maybe it's the pot and a half of coffee I drank this afternoon or a truly over-abundant desire to not think about certain things that break what's left of my heart, whatever it is I'm mildly inspired. I suppose I could blame Leonard Cohen but if that was the case I'd probably just be sighing eternally not typing. As usual I have questions.

First off, why in the hell is no one complaining about NASCAR, the IRL, CART, the Busch Series, the Craftsman Truck Series or the NHRA as gas prices go through the roof. Emperor George, head of the Houston cartel, tells everybody we're addicted to oil (which is kinda like an Pablo Escobar telling a crack addict they're addicted to coke) and yet for the next 8 months there will be cars, trucks, and motorcycles driving around in circles every bloody weekend. How much do you want to bet most if not all of the estimated 200,000 that attended the race bitched about the price of gas in the past week? It seems that driving in a circle for 3 hours for no other reason than to see who can do it the fastest is the very definition of a waste of oil. But hey at least that money we're flushing to pay for driving around in circles is going to a good cause.

And if that's not evidence enough of the decline of British sea power, how in the hell did this guy get married? Imagine the meatloaf dinner at which he passed that "contract" across the table. There had to be some kind of warning sign that preceded the presenting of the "contract." Apparently nice guys now officially finish behind mid-western Marquis de Sade wanna-bees.

On a happy note, I'm heartened to see that FoxNews is finally admitting it's the responsible terrorist's favorite channel. Anyone who has watched the new season of 24 can't help but notice not only the magnificent FoxNews Channel product placement but also the fact that leaders each nefarious group that has popped up spends an awful lot of time watching FoxNews. Shoot the older blond haired guy who bought it tonight liked FoxNews so much he had multiple TVs tuned to it. I smell a great opportunity for hat and T-shirt sales or at least a catchy new slogan like Al Qaeda's most watched news channel. I'm not sure it Al Qaeda is spelled right but after mooning the NSA I'm not sure I should google the name to check the spelling.

Well darling friend (lord I need to lay off the Brit period dramas for a while) my mind is turning to mush which either means I'm tired or the government is using some secret neuron acceleration inhibitor beam on me. Oh well time to get the tinfoil and asparagus helmet.

I'll give you shelter from the storm,
d

2006-02-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

Hey Sealy,

There's just something about cheap French wine that makes the pain of losing to that fascist, elitist crap hole of a safety school in Durham bearable. I'd have posted sooner but this is the first time since the game I'm not hiding my head in a bottle of Domaine De Montrabech in shame. Thank the Gods for sports otherwise I'd have no excuse to drink cheap French vino. Well no excuse other than religious/ethnic strife, some amazingly f 'ed up beauty standards, the continuing decline of Hollywood and the fact curling will cease to get airtime in another week. Seriously curling is a hell of a lot more interesting than televised bowling. Televised curling could inspire an entire generation to take up the broom of liberation.

Really love the flap over the Danish cartoons. It filled in that slow news gap so nicely until the white english guy could kill his wife and kid. I for one just can't get enough of those attractive white people murder tabloid stories. Sad thing being it the woman and child had been black or hispanic the media would haw treated it like just another day in Durham. But I digress...I've got a 1,000,000 lire that the person with the biggest smile on his/her (who am I kidding, women don't count)...on his face regarding the rioting over the cartoons is Georgie Boy followed a close second but Rummy, Tony, the Ayatollah and hell the entire Saudi Royal family. George, Rummy, Tony get to push anti-terrorist legislation through while the media pumps the general public full of images of those crazy, out-of-control Muslims terrorists. Bush is busy illegally tapping American phone lines and Congress promptly bends over and lubes up so the Patriot Act gets renewed. A year ago there were Democrats and Republicans critiquing and blocking the renewal of the Patriot Act, now there's a filibuster of one (Russ Feingold). I guess if Georgious Cesar is gonna do it anyway why bother fighting. As for the Saudis and the other repressive monarchies of the region that we happen to support, they get say something to the effect of, "Look at the crazy religious fundamentalists we have to deal with. We need more money and military support to keep these people in line." Which of course translates to more oppression that breeds the kind of hopeless dissatisfaction that make people susceptible to fundalmentalist overtures. Yeah democracy, that is until people elect somebody we don't like. Which brings us to the Ayatollah who get to point to another example of the Satan West disregarding the Arab and Muslim feelings. Damn I almost forgot about the Danes who finally get some publicity. I mean as any good PR person will tell you there is no such thing as bad publicity. This has to be the first time anyone outside of Denmark has actually thought about Denmark since the last time they saw Hamlet.
On a side note, I do have two questions about the whole situation. First off, if I understand things correctly, the reason people aren't allowed to visually depict Muhammad is because of a prohibition against idolatry. It seems that people rioting, burning and killing over said depiction is the same reaction one might expect if a sacred idol was desecrated. The prohibition seems to create a kind of conceptual idol. Second, I really don't get how anyone of a Judeo-Christian-Islamic religious persuasion can claim their religion is a religion of peace. The last time I read the Old Testament, which the other two religions derive from, God spends most of his time either telling the Israelites to kill every man, woman and child in order to occupy new lands or he's killing Israelites for not killing everyone else. The New Testament certainly retains this do as I say or I'll kill you attitude as does the parts of the Koran I've read. Honestly, I need to read the Koran cover to cover before I make a final estimation but there just seems to be way to much blood from the very beginning for any of these religions to be religions of peace.
So one a lighter note, who's seen the Vanity Fair cover with nude Keira and Scarlett. Go one, Sealy admit it. You know you took a little peak. All I can say is will someone please hold a telethon and buy Keira a double Thick Burger with bacon. Seriously...the girl makes the kids in Feed the Children commercials feel guilty about wasting food. I don't get it, why does starving have to equate with beauty. Don't get me wrong, I'm a man and would gladly trade various body parts for a chance to sniff her panties, but my God I'd buy her a friggin cheeseburger first. I'm also not saying orca fat is where its at either. That's why you're perfect Sealy...damn you and your kicker fetish. Cosmo, Vogue, People, In Style and all the rest of the "Women's" magazines certainly have a fucked up take on beauty. You'd think they would they would be supportive of women who look like women not women who look like concentration camp survivors with better make-up. Of course if you didn't feel bad about the way you look you probably wouldn't buy their magazine looking for the 10 tips on finding Mr. Right. and the $300 purse that will make you look like the oh so famous actress with the professional stylist attached to her like a Siamese twin.
I finally made it to the movies. God I used to live in movie theaters (which would explain why I'm socially retarded) but I hardly go these days. Thank the Gods for sending a nice cold, rainy day so I wouldn't feel guilty about catching a double feature. "Capote" was go in the same way that "Walk the Line" was good, in that the lead actor (or actors in the case of "Walk the Line") was so good that they elevated what was a kind of typical biopic. I swear I'm gonna have friggin nightmares about Philip Seymour Hoffman's Truman Capote voice. The moive was fairly well shot and fairly well paced. I'll be honest Sealy, I snuck into the second half of the double feature. Good planning got me into "Brokeback Mountain" before the 1st preview had ended. All in all, I saw about 9 previews and of the 9 only 1 look even remotely interesting. The rest were the usual recycled, tired ideas that Hollywood has been pumping out for the last few years. Studio execs want to know why attendence is down...it's because they keep producing the same friggin' movie and just vary the level of shittiness. But I digress again..."Brokeback" was the most beautifully shot movie since "A Thin Red Line." The location manager deserves a large house or something. Seriously, I think I'd fall in love with the crud on the bottom of my boot in that setting. Good story, well acted and Rodrigo Prieto is my new God. Now if the execs in Hollywood would just find really amazing places to shoot stories, I'd see anything. I'm thinking "Big Momma's House 3" shot in the same locales shown in Michael Palin's "Himalaya."
Ok so the cheap French is gone and I'm on to the cheap Californian, but damn if that cheap Californian doesn't have a Tar Heel logo (almost) on it. I gotta say that watching Capote swill down G and Ts has kind of inspired me. Besides I need to be ready for the next curling match. God I love shuffle board on ice. There's something amazing entertaining about something so ludicrous. One of these days I promise I'll come visit, I mean a good proper visit. Dear lord I've officially been watching too many British movies and TV shows.

Think well of me Sealy,
d

2006-02-07T06:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Dylan,
I think you know what has inspired me to blog to you...it's game day. THE game day that is. I just have a few questions for you leading up to the tainted soles of Duke basketball sneakers walking upon our sacred Dean Dome floors:

1. Is it wrong to pray for a win over Duke rather than world peace or all children to not be bastards and things like that? (Not saying we need a prayer to win over Duke)

2. How many times will the ref let Sheldon Down Syndrome Williams man handle one of our players without a call? I'm a huge believer of "letting the boys play," but it has to be even

3. Have you read the articles on the ref suspension for the bad call on FSU during the Duke-FSU overtime game? OR the BC-Duke call article?
It seems a bit too late now doesn't it? If better calls were made oh let's say, during the game, I wonder what the outcome would have been?

I think it's going to be a really good game. Of course I wanted my precious Tar Heels to win because I'd sacrifice 10,000 babies get that kind of rush...but I suppose I should be content with a good game....that's really hard for me to swallow....I love to gloat...I love the feeling of my heart swelling to the point of bursting with the most pure happiness ever know to man....oh god, dylan, I'm going to puke

on that note i'll leave the blog with these:
"Now I realize that school spirit is a pretty goofy thing to some people, but I'll tell you something: I hate Duke with an infernal passion undying. I hate every leaf of every tree on that sickening campus. I hate every fake cherub Gothic piece of crap that litters the buildings like hemorrhoidal testaments to imagined superiority. When I see those Dookie boneheads shoe-polishing their faces navy blue on television, squandering their parents' money with their fratty elitistbad sportsmanship antics and Saab stories, I want to puke all overDurham."

"I've never experienced anything like that and it's something I'll never forget for the rest of my life. Being down nine with three minutes to go I could just look at me teammates and know we had a chance. We capitalized on some opportunities when they turned the ball over. That play where Daniel Ewing turned the ball over and Raymond jumped on it was probably the play of the game." - Sean May after the win over duke last year

2006-01-08T16:34:00.000-08:00

Holy Excrement Sealy...It's 2006 already!

Gotta admit I'm a wee bit freaked out that Nevermind and Silence of the Lambs are 15 friggin years old. Looking through my CDs and movies is turning into a fun game where people try to guess what shocked expression I'll have on my face when I see the date when this stuff came out.

Miss Mander I trust your holidays where pleasant. I meant to ask earlier but I've been cleaning up entirely for the past week and a half. I word of caution...no matter how tempting and funny you might find it, never give a hardcore Christian a highlighter and tell them to mark the exact passages that reference the exact date of Jesus's birth and where tells people to celebrate it. I've never seen heads explode quite so fast. My motives were of course completely altruistic that's the sad part. I got this mass email forwarded to me about everybody fighting against the War on Christmas by sending the ACLU a Christmas card. The theory being they would be so bogged down opening all the cards they be institutionally paralyzed. Now I figured what with postage and the cost of a card the responsible Christian would be out at least $2.00. That's $2.00 that could be spend on gift wrapping or a coffee to help you survive the mall. Then inspiration hit and I thought why not just buy the real hardcore Christian soldiers a highlighter with which they could highlight said passages thereby helping them prove their point to those who don't care. Highlighters certainly cost less leaving more all important coffee money. Cost effective and informative...that's my kind of something. So I tried it. Handed out a few highlighters...and heads started popping like zits before a junior prom. Alas how the hell was I supposed to know Christmas is hardly mentioned in the Bible. No Santa Claus...no raindeer...no clear date, just a big mess to clean up (and more than a few headless bodies to explain). Leave it to the Romans to co-opt the holidays of the people they conquered in order to make then more compliant. Oh well, I guess if the War doesn't go well at least we can go back to celebrating the Soltice. I'll admit a general fondness for pagan holidays anyway...more dancing.

By the way, I've completely decided I have to move to Great Britain. Seriously, London or Dublin prepare thyself. Maybe it's just the excessive amount of Jane Austen movie adaptations I've been watching recently but my god a British accented woman is so hot. Now I just gotta figure out how to actually get over there and pay for things like rent and food.

Man I've really gotta get outta Dodge as soon as humanly possible.

Boat Drinks,

d

2005-12-12T05:34:00.000-08:00

Oh...Accept cultural differences already.

I caught a smidge of Larry King Live this morning (it replays super early) and I was a little put off by what they were talking about - the fur trade of cats and dogs. The super/banner/words on the screen read something like: More than X amount of cats and dogs are sacrificed every year in China for fur.

Now what's my problem with this? Well, being a dang halfie (Chinese/American mix) the jokes about me eating cats and dogs have gone in my ears more than I care to recollect. I'm not bitter, I'm just sayin'. Just seeing these Americans freaking out because they're picturing fido all carved up and slapped on a purse makes me laugh. I too had a precious pet cat and I still love dogs, but you have to keep it in perspective - we must realize that there are cultural differences.

There are plenty of other cultures in the world (Hindus por ejemplo) that would seriously scowl at our excessive use of leather goods and beef eating habits. We cut down millions of acres of the rain forest for those god damn vacas for christ's sake.

The Chinese do keep cats and dogs as pets, but I doubt you see even half the number of yappy dogs in sweaters there as you do here. It's simply a difference in what is valued in each culture. It's the circle of friggin' life. It's the food chain.

Now cats and dogs aren't endangered and their souls aren't more valuable than a cow or a rabbit, so why bust China's balls so hard over this issue? YOU don't have to eat a dog or buy dog fur, but you might not want to protest so hard with the bird flu on the heels of mad cow disease.

There's also the thought that perhaps it's just another example of our society's prejudice against things that aren't as aesthetically pleasing. Would you be as upset if a cat or dog was as ugly as a naked mole rat? Doubt it...

2005-12-05T06:14:00.000-08:00

Dylan and I had quite the fit this weekend - first, a nice fit...one that gets your heart pumping after your beloved unranked team beat Kentucky making you feel like they were doing it just for you, just to make you so friggin' happy you want to smear peanut butter all over yourself and dance the night away (that was for you, dylan) and then another fit...one that makes you not want to watch Sports Center ever again and continue to live life in disbelief - Duke sure knows how to make a girl feel like the world has cheated her a million times over.

Well, Sports Fans, in case you missed it, Duke hit some ridiculous shot from half court allowing them to beat unranked Virginia Tech at the very last second....soooo story book....sooooo sickening. It was a good shot - period, but that still doesn't stop me from shunning the god who is making all of Coach K's wanker-induced wet dreams come true. I believe Dylan said it best - at least JJ Reddick didn't make the shot or we'd have to listen to more of that kid's shitty poetry.

This is a hard season for all the Tarheels coming down from the orgasmic high of last year's season to putting up with the Dookies being ranked number one...but this weekend showed us a couple of things: we can win big games and Duke just isn't that fabulous (duh).

Oh, and one more thing - thanks, Duke, for igniting the passion of hatred within and inspiring me to do my first blog....fuckers.

2005-11-23T09:35:00.000-08:00

Paging Miss Sealy...paging miss Sealy. You have a telephone call at the front desk.

I'm sad Sealy. Somewhere I thinkin, "Now why don't she write." I'm starting to feel as though my deepest affections have been misplaced. How...how I ask are we going to start the be all, end of all of witty internet back-and-forth-male-female banter without...well...oh yeah...you. Alas, I don't feel all that in touch with my feminine side recently. Although my ankles are kinda swollen, I do feel a bit gassy, and to tell a family secret (no my mother grandmother wasn't Dutch) I really want to see the new version of Pride and Prejudice. At least I still can't decide what dining room set defines me as a person otherwise I might be worried. There's just something about a woman in a corset that makes me forget about all the bad personal hygiene of the 18th and 19th centuries.

Or maybe its all the salsa I've been eating. The tomatoes will do a number on your brain from what I hear. Seriously, Gourmet Garden's Jack's Salsa is so addictive I heard its the only thing that helped Rush Limbaugh finally break is Hillbilly herion problem. Although I'm not sure that's really such a good thing. Oh but Jack's is...a good thing that is...so tasty. Rush not so much...then again if electric light ever becomes a problem at least we won't run out of lamp oil thanks to all the fat is his body.

Speaking of hillbillies...West Virginia is really quite a bit nicer than I expected. I'll give them mad props for being the first folks to finally recognise that Cracker Barrel restraurants are a bonified tourist attractions. There was something deeply fulfilling about seeing that Tourist Attraction sign along the interstate. One question though. Do all expressways in West Virginia come with stoplights? Just curious really. Seems like that would make the road more of a moderately paced-way or cruiseway.

So are you packing any heat yet? I firmly endorse something big...lack baby arm B-I-G. You just can't be too careful living in the 7th Most Dangerous City. No wonder you were sporting those huge-ass Harry Potter looking glasses the last time I saw you. I'd sure as hell want all the help I could get making sure I saw everything coming. By the way...that was a good look for you.

you're it,

d

2005-10-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

Yo Sealy,

You got a line on some cheap running shoes. Finally figured out what's wrong with my life...well besides the fact that the constellation Hydra was in minor conjunction with Polaris and Neptune when I was born. You know how those minor conjunctions can just really mess with how your breakfast turns out. I mean you think it's all over easy then your bacon is all burned and the neighbors parrot won't shut up about the grits. The damn thing has never even had grits. You know the kind of grits I'm talking about the...the ones with a little ham in them. Some FoxNews viewers say they know the end of the world is nie what with ham in grits and the hurricanes, earthquakes, and activist judges. That's the mark of a quality news source, reading random letters from viewers proclaiming the rapture is upon us. And here I was worried I'd missed it, what with the last 2000 years of religious violence and the occasional natural disaster.

But shoes...that's what I need. You know something comfortable with high ankle support. Never even knew I had high ankles I could sprain but man all those athletes, who are is so much better shape then me, they get the high ankle sprains. Figure I just outta be safe. I could high sprain my ankle and then my new plan would be totally boned. Wouldn't that be just the way of a Hydra, Polaris, Neptune conjunction. I can almost smell those new shoes like chariot tires on the plains north of Ascalon. And it's such a good smell...not so much like napalm in the morning, more like grits and country ham. Which reminds me my neighbors born again parrot...you know the one that always criticizes my grits...stupid bird...loves FoxNews and the rapture. Kinda makes sense when you think about it. Just like the new shoes makes sense. Although I really need to give it a really cool code name like Operation Overlord or Operation Power Geyser.

Hmmmmm...oh oh I know Operation Get Up Off My Ass... no too long. Operation Polyester Weave...nah too 70s. Shit I'll have to give it some more thought.

Seriously Sealy...ooh alliteration...guess I did learn something in college. Besides how to drink from cheap plastic cups and make some mean ass grits. Speaking of cheap plastic cups...I really like that Radiohead song "Fake Plastic Trees." But the plan Sealy, I was gonna tell you about the plan...the plan with the shoes.

So the way I figure it...to reverse the curse/put the planets back in proper rotational alignment I gotta get shoes...big surprise right. See I get the shoes...then I can't say I don't have shoes with which to work out in and therefore start running and working out. This working out precipitates a strong desire to start eating healthier and the combined running eating increases my lung capacity and Dylan (cause I'll also start referring to myself in third person) starts to lose weight. And this is where the cigarettes come in cause with my increased lung capacity I can start chain smoking and swilling pots of coffee thereby putting Dylan in a permanent state of almost vomiting...which in turn will make me eat less. So now I'm working out while smoking a cigarette and chugging coffee oh yeah and not sleeping. Dylan wastes away much like Christian Bale in that movie with the machines only not nearly as gross like. And at this point a newly waifish Dylan, resembling some early '90s heroin rocker, starts getting mad ladies who mistake him for some local indie rock God despite Dylan's lack of guitar chops...or any knowledge of how to play at all. Then once Dylan has become a chain-smoking, insomniac, fake musician chick magnet (as all third person referring types regard women) he will be able to quit pining away over the ex-girlfriend who ushered him down this path previously. Actually, when Dylan puts it that way it doesn't sound so great. Maybe I should just buy some new records. But I mean, Sealy is there really anything wrong with new shoes or periodically google searching her name?

Well, at least she wasn't a kicker.

boat drinks,
d